The Delusive Love – My Personal Story of Sex Addiction
When I share my personal journey with someone I trust they usually say it sounds more like a movie’s plot rather than someone’s personal experience. Borrowing Mark Twain’s words, “Truth is stranger than fiction,” here is my stranger-than-fiction true story!
Born in a conservative family as the only daughter of a priest wasn’t easy at all during my teenage days. My classmates would tease me with my father’s profession, and they would call me names. Once a guy from another class came to my class, lit a few papers and started yelling my name adding “swaha” at the end (mimicking a ritual incantation practiced by priests). All the kids laughed at his horrifying act and I felt so ashamed of myself and my parents that I started crying. Then a guy from grade 10, our schoolboy came to my rescue. He had also brought the principal with him. The principal, seeing a boy bullying a little girl because of her parent’s profession, lost his temper and started beating the boy. Although after this incident no one directly teased me, they kind of boycotted me from their groups. I started to stay alone. And with no friends to be around with I had to keep my feelings to myself.
Things started to change when the schoolboy who had rescued me started talking with me. He was the kind of guy you want your son to be at school. Good at studies, excelled at sports and teachers’ favorite, he and I got so close eventually we started meeting outside school too. He used to come to meet me riding his bicycle and bring me chocolates. This went for a couple of months.
One day when my parents were not at home, I called him to our home. We went to my room as I wanted to show him my childhood photos. We looked at the pictures munching on the snacks he had brought with him. Suddenly I felt something in my hands, it was his hands. My heart started to beat faster. He smiled, came closer to me and kissed me on my cheek. I turned red and blue. My body temperature started rising so I pushed him and said that’s enough. I told him I didn’t like it but all I did for a few days after that, was to go back and replay the very moment he kissed me over and over.
After a couple of weeks, on our school’s parents day celebration, the schoolboy who happened to be my first crush pulled me in an empty hall and started kissing me. This time he kissed me on my lips and I too didn’t push him. Suddenly I heard the voice of my class teacher yelling my name as it was time for my class performance. It went well but in my mind, I only had this cute guy who rescued me from my troubles.
Facebook had just become popular at that time and we used to chat with each other as soon as we reached home. At that moment I felt I was the luckiest girl in this whole world. I had a guy who would do everything for my happiness, and what would a naive schoolgirl have wanted more. One day he suggested we take our relationship to the next stage. I was shocked and terrorized at first but after a few days I agreed. We planed to have sex after a week when my parents wouldn’t be at home. During those awaiting six days all we did was discuss how we would do it. Soon the day came. We were supposed to walk back to my house together after the school and get soaked in each other’s sweat. But when I reached school that day, my life completely changed.
In the coming years, from a simple girl with no friends I turned into a nymphomaniac who every guy had laid hands on. That day when I reached school, I felt some strange vibe. After a while I came to know the guy with whom I had shared so many dreams was killed by his father along with his little brother and mother. I was completely numb. I couldn’t hear or feel anything else that whole day. I even don’t remember how quickly the day ended and I was at home alone crying my heart out.
Days, weeks, months passed and soon I was preparing for my class ten final exam. Since that incident, my grades were constantly falling so my father had hired a private tutor for me. He was a young well behaved guy who taught part-time to pay for his college. One day while he was teaching maths, without any particular reason I looked at his face. To be honest prior to this I hadn’t even noticed he had a scar in his face just like the boy whom I had loved. All of a sudden my mind went blank and I started kissing my teacher. At first he pushed me and tried to get away but I pulled him and again started to kiss him. What happened after that was supposed to have happened with my love a few months before.
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I was in pain that night and I couldn’t sleep. The next day the teacher came to my room and after a few minutes of teaching, he started fondling my body. I was numb, exactly the way I had felt when I had heard that news which changed my life. I let him do what he wanted to. While I was lying down all I could feel was his beard poking my face and his hideous laugh in my ears. In that pain, I began recalling my schoolboy and thus I met him in my thoughts. This went for 10-15 days till my exam finished. After that day I haven’t heard from or of him. But what he did was made me feel I could meet my love and be with him when someone else would get inside me and thrust their lust upon me. Things that started in innocence soon took a form of addiction.
I started sleeping with everyone who reminded me of him, even if slightly. There weren’t any boys in my locality with whom I hadn’t got physically involved with. Some called me their girlfriend, some just treated me as a whore. Once a guy even threw a five hundred rupee note after he was done. That day I cried a lot, not that I wouldn’t cry other days. In fact, at that phase of my life, there wasn’t a single day in two-three years that I hadn’t cried. But that day something hit me hard and I felt completely void.
That was when I decided to go to India for my further studies. I stayed at a PG (Paying Guest accommodation) in Bangalore. Although after I went there I started to feel a bit better than I was feeling back here in Nepal, I still couldn’t stop thinking about the boy whom I loved 3 years back or that urge of someone getting inside me. But this time I would channelize my urges. Even though I was still sleeping with various men, I was getting better grades. I also joined a music club at my college and made friends there. My college was full of students from various countries but my best friend was a guy from Nepal. He was kind of a nerd but he played the piano really well.
Soon we got close and I started forgetting about my first love. After a year or so we started dating each other. We would talk about our family, career goals; I even told him about how my first love was killed by his father and later killed himself. I told him everything about myself except for my sex addiction. While this romance was building in one hand, in another I was meeting many men and having uncountable sex with them. It was like there were two versions of me and I was living two separate lives.
There were moments when I wanted to end all of this and take my life but never had guts to actually do it. One day I was with an Indian man in his late 40’s at his house. We had met at a club that evening and when we were at his place, he went to the kitchen to get me a drink. While I waited for him, I saw a photo of him with two women. One was probably his wife and the next person was my close friend from college. She was probably his daughter. I was shattered. Not that I hadn’t had sex with relatives of my friends but this was different.
This was the same girl who helped me a lot when I first joined college. She was such a nice friend and here I was sleeping with her father just to kill my urges. Soon the man came back with drinks in his hand. Once again, I felt the same void that I had felt with that tutor on me. I wanted to run away from there but I don’t know what was stopping me. I sat there lying in the bed while he was on top of me. I wanted to push him, shout, cry and what not but all I did was lay down and shed tears. After a while when that man was taking a shower I ran from there. I took a cab and called my parents. I was sobbing in emotional pain but I didn’t let my father know.
For the next couple of days I didn’t go outside. I didn’t take calls, didn’t reply to any texts, not even from the Nepali guy I was dating. All I did in those days was sit in bed crying and listening to sufi songs. After a few days the guy I was dating came to see me. Since no boys were allowed in our PG, he took me to a park where I confessed everything. This time I didn’t leave out anything. I thought like other men he too wouldn’t want to be with a woman who had sex addiction. But I was wrong.
He stood by me. He took me to a therapist for counselling and took care of me for the rest of the two years we lived in India. Today, that guy who I had cheated on with countless men and even after knowing the fact is my husband. We also have a cute little baby boy. And still this wasn’t the most shocking thing he did for me. He actually suggested giving our boy the name of my first love whom till date I love and miss.
One unfateful event led me to a dark phase that almost ruined my life. There is this stigma in our society that every person who gets physically intimate before marriage is a threat to society, but it isn’t. There are many girls and boys who are unknowingly getting in the web of sex addiction and jeopardizing their career, family and life. There was no one I could talk to about my problems. I couldn’t find anyone whom I could share my feelings with and ask for help. Had there been someone, I might not have gone through all those dark regretful experiences. Today, despite all that happened to me, I am living a happy life with my family along with a loving and caring husband. However, I know for sure that not everyone can have the same luck after getting deep into sex addiction.
I have learned that sex addiction is a psychological problem rather than moral or physical. This fact needs to be said and said out loud so that no other person would suffer the way I have. I think it’s time for our society to accept the fact that neither sex nor sex addiction is a problem but lack of knowledge and awareness is. I didn’t even know I was a sex addict, it was just a delusive way for me to feel loved. Things were different back then but today’s youth are aware of things happening around them, yet as a society and community it’s our duty to raise awareness about sex addiction and help them who need it.