"Trigger Warning": This article includes discussion about suicidal thoughts which may be disturbing to some readers. The main purpose of the article is to aware people about  suicide prevention.

I have just graduated. I have good and supportive people around me. I consider myself lucky to be alive. But three years ago I was not as happy as I am today. 

Three years ago I met with an accident on my way to college. As I was crossing the road, a car hit me and somehow I managed to stand still. It moved on and on. I was stuck in the middle of the car and a bus. I was unable to escape and the pain I witnessed at that moment, was fathomless. I nearly died. I actually thought I was dead, my whole body was numb but when people surrounded me staring I realized that I was alive.

A random lady who happened to be there at the site took me to a hospital nearby. She covered my body with her scarf and that is when I knew that my clothes had been torn. I decided that I wouldn’t look at even one bruise in my body because I had to remain calm. In the car, I realized that my body was turning cold. I could feel that blood was flowing.

In the hospital after they gave me first aid and took x-rays, the doctor prescribed bed rest for a couple of months. 

The following two months that I spent at home stuck in bed were painful. I was not able to do the basic things. When I felt thirsty at midnight, I wasn’t able to get water for myself. When I felt bored and wanted to watch TV, I wasn’t able to get the remote that was on the sofa. I was unable to move from my bed to the couch. I was unable to stand by myself. I was not able to do anything on my own.

I was in physical pain and psychological pain too.

After taking the prescribed bed rest, my physical health was getting better but my mental health was deteriorating day by day. 

About my suicidal thoughts

Post recovery when I returned to college I found a lot of changes in me. I started getting migraines quite often. Also since I missed many days of college, I felt left out. I had no idea what I was going through. I used to think and think until I used to get tired of thinking.  All the things that I used to enjoy became pointless. I was losing interest in all kinds of relationships at the same time. I felt detached from everyone. Both studies and relationships became more and more difficult. 

Over the next six months, I felt suicidal and I don’t even remember how many times I wanted to end it all.  I didn’t want anyone to get affected so I never told anything to anyone. I thought I would never recover. 

Related: SUICIDE: 6 REASONS IT IS NOT WORTH IT

What actually helped?

One day, I was in my room. My mom was beside me. Maybe she had noticed some changes in me, she held my hand and she said,

• “ Everything is going to be okay”
• “ You will pass this soon”
•  “ You are my strongest child”. 

Related Article: SUICIDE PREVENTION: WHAT NOT TO SAY TO SOMEONE FEELING SUICIDAL

She gave me a tight hug with eyes full of tears. That moment made me realize that I should be happy that there were people who wanted to see me alive. The love she has for me kept me going. I knew deep down that I couldn’t give up.

Then I asked myself if I were to end my life that day, would I have been happy with what I was? Other questions came to my mind too.

• Have I lived my life passionately?
• Have I made myself proud?
• Have I followed my heart?

(Negative answers to all of them)

So, I got a second chance to live.

I bought a notebook and I started writing. My notebook neither judged me nor gave me an opinion. I could open my heart and write down my feelings freely. Writing helped me to heal my wounds that medications could not recover. I realized that there is nothing an art cannot heal. Blogging turned out to be the right medication for me. I started writing and posting blogs. People loved my writings and that made me write more and more.

Distancing myself from committing suicide when the thoughts start to get too heavy to bear helped me every time. I distracted myself by watching my favorite shows and movies, eating at my favorite restaurant and calling or meeting friends. 

Related Article: SUICIDE CONCERNS IN THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC

I did small things such as joining the gym and regularly working out, meditating, pushing myself to write more, reading novels, traveling as much as I can. That’s how I took care of myself and I still do.

I am blessed with so many caring and supportive people. I had to save myself for those who believed in me, who accepted me the way I am, the ones who gave me positive vibes, the ones who made me stronger, the ones who gave me importance, the ones who cared about my feelings, the ones who supported me, the ones who made me smile when I was upset, the ones who made me laugh when I was down, the ones who valued me, the ones who constantly reminded me my worth.

It was a big turning point in my life and I have learned much more about life, I must say.

If you are feeling what I felt, I want you to know that you are not alone and to remind you that life is worth living.

Healing takes time. 

Samikchya Pokharel